ChildofGod's 2003 Mazda Protege 5

Hello my name is Shelli, and I am a believer and a recovering drug and alcohol abuser, as well as a survivor of physical, mental and sexual abuse. Today I struggle with anger, perfectionism, intimacy and co-dependency.
Before recovery my life was crazy. I was going to church and I was a Christian. I just couldn?t figure out why my life wasn?t like my fellow Christians. And then Celebrate Recovery came to Richland. I thought life would get better, but it didn?t! A few months into recovery my marriage was going nowhere fast, in fact it was going off the deep end. My husband and I were constantly fighting and I didn?t want to be around him, so what did I do, what I always did, took the easy way out. When he?d get home I head out the door. Basically, I ran from my problems as I always did. Where you ask, well, I went to my X-best friends house to get high. Then I?d go get high some more with my on the side boyfriend.
I kept going to Celebrate Recovery and church all the while still seeing this guy; I started feeling really bad about all this. Then It was to late, I found out I was pregnant. I thought my world was over. That was when I started taking God, C.R. and the 12 steps serious. That is also when I discovered that God wasn?t the pilot of my plane, I was. I was afraid to tell anybody that I was pregnant, because I didn?t know who the father was, I was dying inside. I was as sick as my secrets. Then, about 5mths into the pregnancy my heart broke in small group and I told my story. My small group didn?t hate me in fact they loved me and prayed for me. Not only for me but my husband too, For his heart and for him to see me through Jesus eye?s. About two wks later I told my husband. All he did was love me. This brings me to the story of Hosea. Hosea said: Then the Lord said to me, ?Go and get your wife again. Bring her back to you and love her, even though she loves adultery. For the Lord still loves Israel even though the people have turned to other gods, offering them choice gifts. (Hosea 3:1) I then learned what true unconditional love really was and how it felt. Coming clean with my affair totally changed my outlook on being pregnant. My husband and I were going to love this child even if my husband wasn?t the biological father. In the end, God granted my biggest prayer of all and my husband was indeed the biological father of our son.
My life hasn?t been the same since I came clean with my secret. As a result of working the Christ centered 12 steps from Celebrate Recovery and applying their biblical principles to my life, I haven?t seen the other guy in 2.5yrs. And I?ve been clean and sober from drugs and alcohol for 2.5yrs.
Remember in the beginning of my testimony when I mentioned being a survivor of physical, mental and sexual abuse? Well, I also recognized that I was powerless to heal the damaged emotions resulting from the abuse others inflicted on me and the harm I did to others. Through CR I started to see what God?s plan was for my life, which included victory over the experiences from the abuse. I asked God for the willingness to help me forgive those who abused me, the harm I did to others, to heal my hurts and to forgive myself. Today, I can claim victory over the abuse.
Some may wonder, if God has done all this healing, then why am I still in this program. Phil 1:6 says, ?And I am sure that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on that day when Christ Jesus comes back again.? I am also told in Romans 12:2 Not to be conformed to this world but to be transformed daily by the renewing of my mind.
Through working the Christ centered program daily God continues to reveal any hurtful ways within me. Over the past few months God has shown me some other unhealthy behaviors in my life. Such as being critical of others for example (I was quick to see the problem in someone else?s life but not to see that I had the same problem.) I was and still am a perfectionist for example (I had and to some degree still have no peace if things in my home aren?t perfectly in order and put up. Or if things don?t get done how and when I want them done. Even a crooked picture on the wall would bug the tar out of me until it was straightened.) I had a warped sense of responsibility for example (I would take on more then I could handle. And in doing that I?d think and say something like, I guess I have to do it or it won?t get done. I?d also try to help when not asked, and then I?d get mad (resentful) when I wasn?t appreciated.) That?s just to name a few.
I know that I am rotten through and through so far as my old sinful nature is concerned. No matter which way I turn, I can?t make myself do right. I want to, but I can?t. Romans 7: 18 LRB God has shown me through this program where these behaviors were coming from. As a child, things had to be perfect all the time. I?d often hear my mother say to me (you can?t do anything right, I guess I have to do it myself). In fact when I now catch myself saying those things to my husband or my daughter I tell myself I sound like my mother and then I remember how I felt when she said those things to me. Then I ask myself how do you think they feel when you talk to them like that? Ephesians 4:29 says Don?t use foul or abusive language. Let everything you say be good and helpful, so that your words will be an encouragement to those who hear them. I am also told in Colossians 3:12 Therefore, as God?s chosen people, Holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. WOW, this is how I am supposed to act!!
I felt that my love was based on my performance and not on who I was as a person. ( which is a false belief) But God?s word says in Galatians 1:10 Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God? Or am I trying to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ. I also felt I had to prove myself to be accepted. This left me feeling not worthy enough to be loved, stupid, incompetent, unimportant, abandoned, empty and angry. I didn?t feel I was apart of the family. Which eventually set the roots for low self- esteem. ( more false belief?s) and God?s Truth is that because of JC death on the cross he paid(he died) for me(my sins) I am not my own, I belong to JC. And most of all I am totally accepted by JC who is my higher power.
Through working this program, I realized I was treating others, including my children the same way I was treated growing up. I have come to realize that hurt people, hurt people. This was a family pattern that had repeated itself down through the generations. The pattern stops here! My children will no longer beheld captive by these behaviors. I am so thankful that God never waists a hurt! He uses all things for the good. I have experienced this first hand in my life.
I am excited that God is working to remove my hurts, my habits, and my hang-ups. I am excited because he is removing my old defects of character and is replacing them with new Christ like character traits. For example, I am able to be more patient, more loving, more kind, and more gentle with my children then I use to be. My love for others (especially my husband?s) is no longer based on they?re performance. I can love with no strings attached, because Christ first loved me. Thanks for letting me share. Through this spiritual journey God has demonstrated to me personally that he is truly a loving, always forgiving, trust worthy, always patient God. He has also showed me what I am to him. I am good enough, I am forgiven, and I am worthy to be loved.